It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

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I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious


Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.

Boss: 5 times?

Me: Yeah I guess.

B: …..

M: HR again?


The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.


ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad


every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“


Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Mani/pedi ??
Sexy panties ??

Ready for my big *date!



*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*