@the_anastasia

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

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@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@squirrel74wkgn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@Spaziotwat

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@Addawanna

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

@LostFelicia

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@GrantTanaka

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s