It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Life is a suicide mission.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me recordaron éste meme
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Mornin. * use accordingly
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
greetings!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?