I don’t trust rabbits…
Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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Me: I asked the waitress for diet Coke and she thought I said rum and Coke.
Boss: 5 times?
Me: Yeah I guess.
M: HR again?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Sexy panties ??
Ready for my big *date!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*