It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
scares
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.