@linanneblack

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

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@7edhead

Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.

@sarcasm_inc

[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

@SamuelHLowe

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@Ivsy01

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

@OrangeFact

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

@gitson_shiggles

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock