It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

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Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.


[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either


I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’


me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is


I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.


Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.


[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.


Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock