It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Nice try Hitler
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Why I divorced her.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.