Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne