It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Bro what is this
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Finally! 😈
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.