It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.