It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
neighborhood watch
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality