It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The Struggle
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know