It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My plans: 2020:
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.