Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

LOL

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.