It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.