Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

✌🏽

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.