It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.