It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
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#polloftheday
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Hotels are back
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
When the stylist spins you back around
