It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.