Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”