Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

my one true gender

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”