It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”