Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.