Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

idk flipping houses looks really hard