It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
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I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.