It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed