Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

#JohnTravolta

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.