Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!