Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.