Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

very niche meme I made

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit