It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
#ParentingFacts
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
He loved it so much he walked himself up.