It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”