Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.