it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Breaking news:
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
broke down and did it
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
as is their right
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago