it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
October already? What’s next? November????
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?