It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Has there ever been a more American story?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never