It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip