It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
me as a parent
