It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?