It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.