Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.