Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Best mom ever 😂

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

I love twitter

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I think that’s enough internet for one day…