Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

buying dead houseplants to save time

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now