Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

ㅤ

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

This was the best day of my life

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.