Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

WTF

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.