It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
FRED: right
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.