It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”