It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.