It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.