Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.