It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.