It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER