Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line