It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
meow
