Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

This a good idea

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from