Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

I’m awake but I object,

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

as is their right

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

This is why I hate group projects