It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
