It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
