It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
All generalizations are stupid.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My dog ate my work from home.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
