It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Proctologist = Analyst
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My new favorite headline
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight