It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Who called it baking and not making love
set yourself free xox
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news