Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Called it

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.