it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*names my little horse OneTrick*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
i hate you platonically
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
when you order from DoorDastardly
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”