it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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When your diet is finally over.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Everyone’s family
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.