It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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Finally!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
as the prophecy foretold
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.