It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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It’s an epidemic…
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“Wait, let me explain..”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?