It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
There are no pants in heaven.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.![]()
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
guilty
![]()
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.