It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Probably my best painting.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.