It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
