Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

ㅤ

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”