Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day