Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

how DARE

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

hmmmmmm

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars