It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Spa day..😅
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.