It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You Might Also Like
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*