It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.