It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn