Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??