It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
plant them where lol
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.