Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

We found love in a hopeless place.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.