Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin