Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!