Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

(yawn)

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary