It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck